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Facts aid objectivity. Ensure that your statements are FACTUAL and OBJECTIVE. As difficult as this may seem, it is doable. Base your conversation on referenced experiences and fact-driven data. Detach yourself from your emotions and be guided by the facts on ground. Even the most hardened of criminals will melt when confronted with unassailable facts. In the court of law, acquittals or convictions are based on facts available (also known as the weight of evidence), not on the sentiments of the trial judge. With facts, you demonstrate sincerity and objectivity to the other party, and you cannot be accused of selective engagement or witch hunting.
Keep out the person and focus on the ISSUES. If the issues are serious enough as the facts indicate, the other party is probably feeling very terrible and emotionally upset already, trying to process what the repercussions of their action may be. Do not seek to diminish their self-esteem any further by talking down at them or yelling at them in excoriating expletives just to show how upset you are with them. Using adjectives like “stupid”, “inconsiderate”, “dull”, etc. in addressing or describing them will only portray you as an aggressor and, trust me, they will no longer listen to what you have to say because all they are concerned with is getting out of your face if they cannot punch it!
Conflicts or a person’s indiscretion or misdemeanour does not translate to the end of the world. Don’t burn the bridge. Keep the possibilities of continuing relationship outside of the room and the establishment. As a Yoruba proverb puts it, people are like flowing rivers. There is no telling where the current of life can direct them. Never make it improbable or impossible for the other party to extend a genuine, warm handshake to you after the conversation or in the near future. You may hold the ‘whip’ now, but remember that in life, power does change hands. You may need them or be the one standing where they are now standing in future with them as your “interrogator”!
Conversations around conflict or performance issues are hardly pleasant even in the best of times. The potential for leaving one person holding the short end of the stick is very high. Sometimes, you may not be able to completely avoid some emotional damage to the individual, to personal relationship with the person concerned, to some relationships within the organization, or a dent on someone’s career, but do your utmost to mitigate it. Let your motive not just be pure but seen to be pure. To do this effectively, reverse the roles and ask yourself how you would like anyone to make you feel if you were in similar circumstances. If you ever imagine yourself wearing the shoe, you may at least have some idea where it hurts. People hardly respond according to what you said or how, but according to how you make them feel. We all receive messages as we are, based on whatever shapes our perceptions, not as it is said. Our perceptions shape our meanings. Effective communication is not about what is said but about what is heard. It takes a high level of Emotional Intelligence – which every leader needs -to tell someone to go to hell and actually get him to eagerly look forward to the trip! You don’t have to be cranky to be frank. You can be honest without being brutal!
Great managers understand the importance of diversity within a corporate culture. Be culturally sensitive. Don’t get so carried away by the need to get your points across that you lose sight of the diversity of norms and nuances mirrored in the organization and which make up the corporate culture. What is considered normal in a culture may be considered an aberration in others. In many cultures in Africa for instance, a female, in whatever position, is not expected to talk down at a man. No matter the issues at stake, or the facts stacked against him, an African male would resent being addressed ‘rudely’ by a female superior, especially if he is older than the lady. If he must be sharply rebuked, he would rather have that done by a male superior. Does that mean that a female boss should avoid such conversations because the other person is African? Definitely not! However, it should be done in an atmosphere of respect and consideration for his ego. Asians generally don’t take kindly to an in-your-face kind of confrontation that seems to stare someone down. In many Asian cultures, it is regarded as a form of aggression. When it comes from a superior, the culture doesn’t encourage answering the superior back. So, the tendency is to recoil into subdued resistance which can ultimately breed resentment and possibly rebellion!
Remember that you are having a conversation, not a monologue or an argument. The essence of dialogue is to promote understanding and arrive at a resolution. It is therefore absolutely essential that you take time to listen to the other party. An issue that appeared very problematic before the conversation may turn out to be a simple misunderstanding that an explanation would resolve with minimum or no stress. Don’t be so fixated on hearing the sound of your own voice alone!
As much as possible, aim to end the conversation with a positive aftermath. The situation is bad enough as it is, otherwise, a discussion would not have been necessary. You require a closure, not a quarrel or an endless grudge. Even if the conversation dovetails into disengaging the staff, end the conversation on a positive note that helps him to identify the silver lining in the dark cloud. This you can do with a statement like, “I hope you don’t take all of this personally. The good thing about it, even if it doesn’t appear so obvious now is, ….”, then go ahead and mention a positive outcome that holds out a candle into the future.
Finally, brace up for the worst. Sometimes, no matter how careful you are, conversations can end up with either or both parties worsted. As much as one tries to avoid it, some situations end up going rogue and could degenerate into unwanted outcomes like tantrums, insults, anger issues, outrage – especially if someone feels that the conversation is around an issue he knows nothing about but was wrongly accused of doing. Where people feel that they have been tried and adjudged guilty even before being heard, sparks could fly!
Every leader or manager must understand that conflict is an essential part of human interactions, moreso in a work environment that warehouses diversity of races, religions, talents and cultures. It is not about whether it will happen. It is about HOW it is handled. One of the very effective ways of dealing with conflicts in the workplace is to have conversations, no matter how unpleasant, with all concerned. When avoided or not addressed on time, seemingly insignificant issues could become a conflagration that could consume the entire organization. However, when promptly and properly done, it could foster greater understanding and team cohesion in the organization. The payoff of that can only be imagined!
Remember, the sky is not your limit, God is!
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